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Providing Support to Someone in Grief
by
Dr. Sonja Benson
When someone close to us
experiences a loss - - be it a death in the family or a pet, a lost job
or an ended relationship - - it can often be difficult to know how to
provide support. Many people feel uncomfortable around emotional pain
and don't know what to say or do, so frequently they stay away from the
friend or relative in need. Being a support to someone in grief takes a
kind of courage and compassion - - to just be there in the face of
another’s pain. Don't let concern over saying the wrong thing or not
knowing what to say keep you from supporting your friend or relative.
While it is important to avoid minimizing the loss, which are often
inadvertently conveyed with statements related to "replacement" of the
person, pet or relationship, saying "I'm sorry for your loss. I know it
must be hard right now." is often enough.
How you choose to follow up
after an initial contact with the grieving person depends on several
issues:
your own
ability to help out
the
grieving person's comfort level with having someone else around
the
closeness of your relationship with the grieving person
the
grieving person's changing needs as time goes on
First, only offer the kind
of support and assistance that you can provide without resentment and
with which you can follow through. Recognize that the grieving person
may need to talk at times and may need to avoid talking about the loss
at other times. Be flexible and allow the grieving person to help guide
you with what is needed. Check in with the grieving person regularly:
don't bombard him/her but try not to leave it all up to the grieving
person to initiate contact, e.g., "Let me know if there's anything I can
do." without any follow up. Many people grieving a significant loss
don't have the energy to keep contacting others and may not even know
what they need themselves unless an offer is made that fits the need.
For example, offer to take on routine tasks such as cooking, cleaning or
watching the kids every once in awhile. The person in grief may be
isolating and may need to get out of the house; offers to go out for
lunch or see a movie can be very helpful, just don't insist if the clear
message is that the person really isn't up to it right then.
Most important to providing support in times of grief is patience. Dr.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified 5 typical stages of grief that most
people experience: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and
acceptance. However, the stages may not follow that specific order, and
they can cycle through stages more than once. Keep in mind that our
current culture often puts limits on the "appropriate" amount of time
someone should grieve before she/he "should just get over it".
Traditionally, death was grieved formally for at least a year. While
there are no hard and fast rules about grieving anymore, remember that
the time it takes to "move on" varies greatly from person to person.
Honor your friend or relative's time frame. If an inability to function
with typical daily life persists, professional help may be indicated.
Copyright
©
2006 by Sonja Benson, Ph.D.
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