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Separating . . . with Children
by Dr. Sonja Benson
Divorce statistics in the 21st century now range between 50-75% of all
marriages. Second marriages are more susceptible to divorce than are
first marriages. Many of these dissolving marriages involve children.
Today more people are also having children without being married and
these relationships may also have a high dissolution rate, although
accurate statistics are more scarce than for divorce. Bottom line - -
lots of children are experiencing the separation of their parents’
relationship. If you are a parent in these circumstances (or know
someone who is), how can you help?
First and foremost,
parents must NOT put their child(ren) in the middle of the relationship
problems. This means under no circumstances should you bad mouth
your partner in front of or to the child. Do not send messages to your
partner through the child even if it's more convenient for you. Talk to
your peers, not your child(ren), about the relationship issues.
Talk to your child(ren) in an age appropriate way about what's happening
with the separation,
what it does (e.g., both parents still love them very much) and does not
mean for them (e.g., the parent is not divorcing them) and how their
relationship will continue with the parent who will not have primary
physical custody.
Be civil and
courteous to your child's other parent
even after the relationship ends. You have a child or children to
raise together whether or not the relationship worked out. It's very
difficult to co-parent effectively if you are remaining hostile.
The child(ren) need
to have ongoing relationships with both parents.
For non-custodial parents that means maintaining contact frequently in a
normal way (vs. being only an "amusement park parent"). Attend school
functions, birthday parties and get to know their changing friends. For
custodial parents that means do not interfere with your child's ability
to have an ongoing relationship by keeping the other parent out of the
loop or by making visitation difficult.
Remember that your
child(ren) need you more during the early phases of the separating
process.
While this is often when parents have little emotional reserve due to
their own grief, it is vital that your child(ren) not get lost in the
commotion. Spend a little extra one on one time to talk, cuddle, read
or just be together.
Relationship endings are painful, confusing processes. Sometimes anger
and the desire to get revenge or hurt the past partner get in the way of
good decision making around the children. Often it's a good idea to
have couples counseling around the ending to help make the transition go
more smoothly for the children. If you are in the process of ending a
relationship that involves children, or are having difficulty
co-parenting with a past partner and want some assistance, please make
an appointment with a mental health professional today.
Copyright
©
2006 by Sonja Benson, Ph.D.
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